#justhailley

OH MY GOSH.

I both hate and love this trip. What I’m seeing….is amazing. The Jewish Museum Berlin was outstanding. I could have stayed there all day. I also saw this diorama of Auschwitz with three thousand clay figures walk to their death.

Three thousand.

It blew me away. I couldn’t speak. I was so glad I was alone to just take it in. I eventually showed Brian and then showed the rest of the group, but those first moments were mine.

And Berlin is a neat city. I immediately felt at home with the city when I arrived. It was like a version of NYC that I had apparently been craving. So many endless options and opportunities.

Another good side is our guide, Julie. She’s smart and so nice. I think she has figured out that I’m smart and actually want to learn. We have mini discussions and she has been recommending books to me.

But then there’s the bad. I fucking hate the group. Sure, there are some nice people, but I can’t stand them for very long. They are so fucking American and talk loudly and just stick out like a sore thumb. I hate traveling with them.

I don’t feel academically challenged here. Which is so stupid because this term should be challenging me. After spending a semester in NYC having heated discussions about art and things we saw, I can’t stand not talking to anyone about it. Keenan is off in her own little world and while Brian and I claim to be “buddies,” I haven’t had many lively discussions with him.

Which brings me to a whole other topic: Brian. Very nice and I’m glad he chose me, in terms of who to hang out with. But he caves easily to peer pressure and after an incident last night where some of the guys were betting he and I would hook up on this trip, he’s been somewhat distance. He also knows NOTHING about me, which is very very very new for me. He’s beginning to learn my quirks and I have no idea what he thinks about them. I will say we were pretty damn cute on the flight to Berlin and I impressed him when I said I watched all the James Bond movies.

But I digress. I want to academically grow on this trip but feel limited by the people I am with.

Also, the other guys on this trip are PIGS. I hate hearing them talk about girls like we are their toys to play with and fuck with. They have no qualms telling disgusting stories in front of me.

Because, oh wait, I don’t exist. Once again they know very little about me and don’t have any intention of getting to know me. They are ungrateful and ignorant and I wish I knew German so I could distance myself from them. I can’t stand when people don’t take me seriously. I may not be “oh my god she’s so hot” or can drink them under the table, but dammit I am attractive and smart and going places. Maybe if they focused less on the German beer and more on what we are seeing they might have a chance.

But probably not.

I also just miss my mom a lot. And of course, no one on this trip know about her death. Or that it’s still affecting me. I have always felt that I preferred to do things alone, but I have especially felt that since my mom’s death being alone is a definitive state of being I find myself in. I feel alone on this trip and I hate it. Because we are seeing so many challenging exhibits and facts. I can’t have life chats and I don’t have anyone to walk about Berlin with.

Maybe if Brian and I had a breakthrough we might get somewhere, but who the fucks knows if that will happen. And now I am rambling so I should go write some journals and peppy blog posts.